Inspired by the show Hoarding, Buried Alive, my father and I have been weeding through our possessions over the past few months. Please understand, our belongings do not come close to the volume that can be seen on that show. The show has merely brought to our attention how little of our stuff we actually use. We cleaned out our kitchen. We found that we had so many pots, pans, and utensils in varying degrees of wear and tear. We bought a new set of nice pots, pans, and utensils and binned all of the old icky stuff. Our kitchen is a much nicer place to be in and I, who have always enjoyed cooking, love it now. Our whole house has been uncluttered and we and we continue to weed out the stuff that is past its prime or extraneous. This clean, uncluttered environment makes every day just a little less stressful for me. I can now look around at my possessions and love and appreciate each one. I still have a love affair with my stuff but I feel that I recognise the true valuables.
My mother is coming to visit. Her impending arrival is less than two weeks away. I am freaking out a little. I am trying to make sure that there is nothing for her to criticize. At the same time, I am slightly concerned that the improvements that we have made to the house and yard will make her feel badly about herself. I just worry about her visit in general. She and I have never had a strong relationship. I have worked very hard to have a relatively functional relationship with her.
After years of fighting and a general lack of respect, I have learned to just let things go, at least most of the time. I have never understood the way she thinks. I feel that her perception of reality is bizarre skewed. I still do not understand the way in which she views the world, but I have learned to not let it get to me in the same way. I still wish I could help her connect. I wish I could help shape her perception. I recognise how bizarre it is for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder to complain about someone elses disconnect with reality. I feel strongly that my ability to be self-aware of my strange thinking patterns sets me apart from individuals wo are oblivious of their situation.
This impending visit has my stomach in knots. I know that it will probably be a good experience. I haven’t seen my mother in quite some time. I am excited to show off the changes we have made to the house and I am cautiously optimistic about her response. We have a new couch, a new bed, and a lot of new gardens. Fingers crossed…
I worry about my memory. Sometimes I remember things that haven’t happened. I remember submitting something I haven’t turned in yet. At work, I remembered getting a signature from someone who did not sign. This has all occurred in the past week. Previously, I have been aware that I do not have the best memory. Frequently, I forget things that have been discussed. I don’t remember conversations or sometimes major decisions. This worries me. Prior to these recent events, none of it has seemed of any consequence. Now it is beginning to impact my work life. I always worried that I don’t remember a lot but I am far more worried that I am remembering things that have not happened. It is just too weird.
I managed to spend almost my entire day off yesterday outside. I started my morning with one of my favorite summer indulgences, a coconut iced coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. My boyfriend and I then headed off to play mini-golf. They let us play threw a second time for free. On the second time through we both scored on par. We made a quick trip to Walmart to buy a charcoal grill then headed home. We spend quite a while soaking up the sun and cutting back hedges. I love yard work. After a shower, we zipped down to DQ for more a special treat. My boyfriend had a friend over at the house in the afternoon. I hung out with them for a bit and then endeavored to put the grill together by myself. Eventually, the friend left and my boyfriend helped me complete the task. We had ordered flowers for our gardens and they finally arrived. After grilling and eating dinner with my father, we planted our new flowers. We finally headed indoors just as dusk was moving toward darkness.
Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a while, start to finish. I have lots of days that are mostly good or have amazing moments but yesterday was all good. Even when dealing with the stress of the grill assembly, I felt happy and calm. The yard work was so rewarding but I also enjoy the work itself. It makes it better that they yard is beginning to look like what I imagine it looking like in my head. There is nothing like sunshine to bring cheer to my life. I love the warm weather. I am also lucky because I have good people in my life.
Today, I got up early, showered, and headed to work for a 6 to 1 shift. I work in several positions throughout the week, but my favorite position is the one I worked in today. I had an excellent shift. I zipped home for a super yummy pesto chicken sandwich that my father thoughtfully brought home for me and zipped back to finish my shift. After brief stints of covering other stations for lunch breaks, I was able to head home. Today was a great day at work.
The weather is beautiful. Sunny, warm, and while it may be a little muggy there is a nice breeze. Did I mention the sun? We haven’t had much of that in this area recently and I am so happy to see it. I feel a sense of serenity and joy. At home I was able to spend a nice relaxing hour with my boyfriend before he had to leave for work. Today is a beautiful day.
Shortly, I will be leaving to teach a Hebrew class. I am so proud of my students this year. Across the board, they have exceeded my expectations. My students brighten my life and are truly a pleasure to teach. I love to teach and am glad to be able to do this.
I am lucky because I have a wonderful home, some amazing co-workers, brilliant students, some supportive family members, and a loving boyfriend.
I have been accused by many of my co-workers of caring too much about my job. I work hard and encourage those around me to do the same. It seems to me that I get good results from leading by example. I am sometimes in a supervisory position at my job. I also believe that the people I am supervising like to work for me because I try to be reasonable and fair. I try to treat everyone the same and with respect while maintaining a high standard. I work hard and I think my people work hard for me. Still, they point out to me that I may take my job too seriously.
My boss, boyfriend, and family have also pointed out that I worry too much about my job. I worry about my effectiveness as a supervisor. I feel that I am barely competent, getting by each shift by the skin of my teeth. Various supervisors have told me recently that I am doing an excellent job and have made other comments along those lines. I feel that in a world of mediocrity, moderate competence can be mistaken for talent and skill. It seems sad to me that moderate competence be perceived as high achieving.
To return to my main point, first consider that I am off the clock, sitting at home, and supposedly relaxing. Sunday night, I had a difficult night at work. Yes, everything got done that needed to be done. Our workspace was left in a condition far cleaner than the state it was in when I arrived. We accomplished all the goals set for us and then some. Although the end result of the shift I ran was highly successful, there is no doubt in my mind that the whole shift felt completely out of control and overwhelming to me. I feel so tightly wound when I have to run a shift. I don’t cope well with stress, especially when things come up or don’t go according to plan. My, for lack of a better term, staff can see that. The stress shows all over my face. I believe I am so lucky because my staff rallies behind me and supports me at times like these. My boss has suggested that it is my leadership skills that encourages them to do so but I am not sure. I think he just schedules me with strong people so that I don’t fail completely.
The worst of all this stress is that if I feel I have let down my staff, supervisor, or the store in any way I go home and worry about it. I sometimes even lose sleep over it. This week there was a mistake I made that I was convinced was going to get me fired. Not only did I not get fired over it, the bosses were teasing me for even having been worried about it at all. I woke up about 3 hours earlier than I normally would and worried about it until I went in to work to meet my boss as he came in just so I could explain. He laughed, showed me how to correct the issue, and how to prevent it next time. The fact that I am so tightly wound concerns me. The fact that I cannot leave work at work bothers me. Many of my coworkers lack the ability to keep their personal lives from affecting their work. I feel that I have the opposite problem. I worry and then I worry about my worrying.
My life seems so different now from what it was even a year ago. I don’t fret about the future like I used to. I am no longer overly concerned with being able to get married and have kids before it is too late. I have dropped out of college. While that sounds like a negative thing, it is not to me. I have withdrawn from college for a slew of reasons but most importantly I felt deep in my heart that the career I was pursuing was not what I wanted. I take pride in the fact that at the time I left school I still maintained a high GPA. I have never been able to truly commit to a career path because I have never been motivated to have a career in any specific area. I am not passionate about any profession. Currently, I am moderately content in a job that pays the bills. This job also allows me to teach religious school, a position that I am very happy in.
I have no clear path, no professional goals. I am content to work but have no plans to seek a career. I don’t see my life as having any direction and I am okay with that. My stress level is so much lower that I can ever remember it being. I am content to just live. This lifestyle change has truly been a revelation to me. I can be okay without concrete direction and timelines and so on. My new path is more like a wide open field, perhaps like the ocean. I am content. Often, I am even happy. Like is not perfect, but my future looks bright.
I am on a new path in my life. I have been hesitant to share this path with the world because of silly superstition. I have always been warned that talking about a good thing can jinx it. My father cautioned against talking about a “no-hitter” before the baseball game had ended and I can’t imagine anyone not being familiar with the saying, “don’t count your chickens before they hatch”. That being said, at some point I really should disclose some very exciting developments in my life without fear of upsetting the cosmos and bringing a jinx upon myself.
Way back in August I ended a failing relationship. Since I had begun dating in my early teens, I had not been single for any significant time. I was a serial serious relationshiper. I made a decision to remain single. For the first time in my memory, I had no desire to be in a relationship, no desire to date, and no desire to plan a future with anyone. I was content to be single and for the first time began planning a future on my own. I feel that this was a major turning point in my life. I feel that in the past I have always been dependant on a romantic relationship and on my romantic partner in an unhealthy way. I felt free.
I am occasionally oblivious. I frequently need to have it pointed out to me when a male is coming onto me or is interested in me. Sometime in October, a coworker friended me on Facebook. I thought nothing of it, it happens less than frequently but more than occasionally. This coworker began chatting with me on Facebook and it became quickly apparent that we had similar views on many topics. Like me, he had a past he was ashamed of and, like me, he was working towards becoming a better person. We had a lot to talk about and spent quite a lot of time chatting.
Before even realizing he was interested in being more than just a friend to me, I had explained my recent single status and that I had no interest in finding a relationship. despite this disclaimer, it soon became clear that a relationship was blooming. I worried about getting into a relationship. I wasn’t sure I was ready to risk the hurt of a failed relationship. Even more frightening was the prospect of hurting someone if I wasnt’s emotionally healthy enough to be a good partner. Ultimately, the potential was too good to pass up.
Going into this relationship felt different from any other I can remember. There were no promises of the life we would be building together. There was no rush to commit. There was so little pressure. I feel that I have been myself for the entire relationship. I have been open and honest and, to my surprise, totally accepted. I could continue to gush but I will wrap it up instead.
I am in, what I believe to be, a committed and healthy long-term relationship. I am loved and supported. I love and support him. This is not to say that we never disagree or that everything is perfect all the time or that this wonderful relationship has freed me from my issues but I am so happy. I find it difficult to put into words how different this feels. This relationship just feels different from any others. I mean that as a good thing, a really good thing. I have been in this relationship for more than six months and am excited about our future.
What is normal? Perhaps a better question is what has our society embraced as acceptable behavior. More and more I question if I am using the same standards to gauge behavior as those around me. It seems to me that we have changed our focus. When did the attitude in the workplace change from “What can I do?” to “What is the least I can do and get away with?”. The inability to arrive places in a timely manner seems to be completely acceptable. I am horrified by the language used in the professional workplace. What happened to following the rules? The audacity of some individuals amazes me. How can you stand around not doing what you are supposed to be doing and then be surprised and defensive when you are chided. I recognise that striving for excellence has long since fell by the wayside but when did mediocrity become a bar too high to reach for?
While I criticize others for these low standards, I am not completely innocent myself. I feel that those of us raised in my generation were raised to question the rules. I find it far easier to follow and enforce rules that I understand the reasoning behind. Rules I feel are supported by faulty logic are difficult for me to follow and enforce. Still, I feel I have a healthy respect for authority and when I rebel or question authority I do it in a respectful and reasonable manner. Has it really become acceptable to question anything, do whatever you feel like, and to pick and choose the rule you follow?
“What can I do?” has turned to “What can I get away with?”. “Can you explain why we do that?” has turned to “Oh, that’s just stupid!”. “What time do you need me here?” has turned to “How late can I be before I am in trouble for being late?”. I have so many thoughts on this topic but I think I will have to revisit it later. Writers block seems to have set in.
I am physically exhausted. I sleep enough and I am eating right. I am not sick. I do not understand why I feel so drained of energy so much of the time. I do not believe that I am currently depressed but this exhausted feeling is what usually accompanies my bouts of depression. Overall, I have been happier recently than I have been in almost any time of my adult life. Yes, I have a lot going on in my life but no more so than in the past few years and this exhaustion thing is new within the past few weeks. I just want to feel less exhausted.
